Deservitude

On day five of gratitude journaling, I’m going through the motions. There’s but so much gratitude I can find in sunlight and the song of the birds; especially when they are snatching frayed wood from the trim of my house to pad their nests. Or, giving thanks to my body for all it carried me through even though it started slowly trying to kill me when I crossed age forty. 'Today I am grateful I went to sleep fine and woke up with a pulled muscle in my shoulder. But at least I'm awake.' Not quite the jolt of motivation I need.

Every morning, I was approaching my gratitude journal exhausted while trying to find a glimmer of hope in the perpetual crisis of my life. If I add up all the years of trauma I have waded through with a smile, there are about two decades of struggle. There must be something more to look forward to than just waking up. It seems like the bare minimum expectation. Or is it just me?

I was looking for a feeling of satisfaction with where I was. But outside of the journal pages, I was still wading through the same pool of struggle. I wanted out of the pool. I wanted to sit in a lounge chair, on a beach, reading a good book while truly appreciating the beauty of the sun. Why couldn’t I? From the depths of my subconscious, a sad reply wades to the surface - because you don’t deserve it.

I picture myself as a child and think that little girl deserved the best of everything just because she existed and was a human being. She woke up and looked forward to what the day would offer and all the things she was going to create; and who she would become. She didn't reflect on gratitude. She wanted to be chosen for the kickball team with her friends and color.

I feel the heavy weight of disappointment as life has revealed itself to me. This constant evidence that she did not deserve to be chosen or have happy endings. How do I sit in the beauty of the world around me and just feel grateful for existing when I don't feel worthy?

I wanted to wake up with childish expectations. I didn't need to humble myself to be thankful for oxygen. For me, the truth that began to set me free was that I deserved happiness, joy, love, safety, and so much more whether I had done all the right things or not; whether I had them or not. Even on the days when I made bad choices or failed, I deserved to win. Grabbing a hold of that feeling of worthiness when I was at the bottom helped move me forward.

There are days when I feel genuine gratitude. A humble sense of smallness in a moment where I can quiet the noise and really sit with the beauty and warmth of stillness. And, there are days when I don’t feel at all. Where I’m wading through and I’ve decided that’s ok. Where reminding myself of what I deserve in spite of the day I woke up to face is going to be enough.